A token of honour
by Miss Puppet
Summary: After the announcement of war a rift is forming between Anna and Mr Bates. Their united attempts to help out another young couple gives them both some perspective about their own situation.
1. Prologue

**A token of honour**

_Rated:_ K+  
><em>Pairing<em>: Bates/Anna  
><em>Disclaimer:<em> So very much not mine. Julian Fellowes wrote Downton Abbey, which is produced by Carnival Films for ITV Network. This disclaimer applies for the whole story.  
><em>Spoilers:<em> I recommend you to have seen the first season.  
><em>Summary:<em> After the announcement of war a rift is forming between Anna and Mr Bates. Can their united attempts to help another young couple bring them back together and give some perspective to their situation?

Many, many, many thanks to my beta-reader **Stuckinpast. **Without her, you´d trip over an error every other sentence.

**Prologue**

It was strange how quickly the world changed once the war was declared to be official. Not at first glance perhaps, not if one only looked casually at the daily routines. Life continued as usual, or so it seemed. Daisy still woke up the female staff of Downton Abbey at six o´ clock sharp. Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson still oversaw the antics of the footmen and maids with their scrutinizing gazes and upstairs life continued as before. Or, at least, as everyone tried so desperately to believe.

But there were changes, however small at first. Thomas left. And perhaps O´Brien was the only one who was sorry to see him go. But not as sorry as she may once have been. Not as sorry as she was about that one small act that had changed so much. To the unobservant eye she carried out her duties as before, unchanged. But something had altered profoundly. It was noticeable in her silence, in the changed tone of her voice when she spoke about her ladyship. It was shown in her very countenance.

Gwen left as well. Excited, nervous, ambitious. Ready to take on her adventure. Ready to embrace her dreams when so many others seemed to shatter on reality. Anna was ever so sorry to see her go. Gwen had been her friend, her companion, her sister almost, ever since she had first come to Downton Abbey as a housemaid of only fifteen years young. Together they had matured, growing from children into adults. Growing from girls into women, leaving much of their naivety behind them, but not their dreams. Never their dreams.

After more than a decade together, Anna was certainly sorry to see Gwen go, sorry to say goodbye to her friend.

But not as sorry as was about the loss of her other friend. To the unobservant eye nothing seemed to have changed in that regard. They still shared an excellent working relationship. They still sat next to each other at every meal. But something had altered profoundly. A rift had risen between them, at first too small to be noticed by either one of them.

Everything between them was said and done. Although both unwilling to be satisfied with current situation, there was nothing at present that could change their predicament. She still loved him. He still believed he wasn´t worthy of her love. He still remained married. He was still haunted by the demons of his past. In a time of change, their situation remained fixed. Like a dead-end alley, like a potted flower, deprived of water and sunlight, slowly left to die.

Gwen´s place was taken by a young girl from a nearby village. Her name was Enid Kirby. She seemed ordinary enough, a pleasant, unaspiring girl. Although she didn´t share the same closeness as she had with Gwen, Anna liked her well enough. Perhaps the fact that Enid´s hopes and dreams lay outside a life of Downton Abbey helped her to remain at that comfortable distance where any feelings could be kept at bay. Enid had a suitor. He was a young man from the village, a servant to the local baker. He and Enid both earned decent wages. They both managed to set aside every penny they could spare. It would take a year at most before they could get married. Their engagement, although not official was as good as. Enid would be gone from Downton too soon for Anna to grow attached to her.

As the months passed by after that significant garden party in August, life downstairs began to change in more noticeable ways. William enlisted for the army, as did Branson and they both left, together with a dozen of the other men. Lord Grantham did not enlist, as he had promised to his wife after his return from the Boer war. But he spend a lot more time in London, offering his service in any way he could. Mr Bates always accompanied him. His enlisting in the army was out of the question, considering the state of his leg. No-one, not even Anna**,** knew how he felt about this. He kept to himself most of the time, became more quiet, more withdrawn then before.

Matthew Crawley enlisted and went away. His mother remained at Crawley House and visited Downton Abbey regularly. Lady Mary took his departure very hard. She wouldn´t dream of telling anyone of course. But it was evident in small signs. In the long walks she took solitary. In the way she read every bit of news she could find about the war. In the empty cup of tea that could often be found in the kitchen sink, early in the morning.

The winter of 1914 was a long one. There seemed to be no end to the frost and snow. It wasn´t until far into March before the first signs of spring began to show. With the warmer weather, the blossoms in the trees and the flowers finally beginning to sprout, some of darkness and heaviness that had laid as a heavy cloak over Downton Abbey began to lift somewhat. Its inhabitants began to get used to the changes of the past year. As one gets used to anything, even the dread of war. For now all were healthy, safe and alive.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

It had been coming on so gradually, that at first he hadn´t noticed it at all. He had liked her from the beginning. Her friendliness had made him feel welcome. He´d found her alliance a welcome treasure. From there a friendship had started to grow quickly. She was easy to be with and he enjoyed talking with her. She matched his teasing and flirting with a gentle cheek of her own and he felt compelled to get her eyes to sparkle like that whenever he could. Being around her reminded him of the man he used to be before… everything. Around her, he could be that man again. It was all very innocent and harmless, he told himself. There wasn´t a chance she would become romantically interested in a crippled man, more than a decade older than she was. He wasn´t risking her heart. And he felt sure he himself didn´t have heart enough left to risk.

How well he remembered the day that all changed. What had started as a quiet afternoon with the just two of them, bantering at the table in the servant´s hall, had turned into an afternoon with quite a few startling discoveries. Mr Carson, the formidable butler, had once been a man of the stage, as part of a double act called: ´The Cheerful Charlies.´Even after two years, this could still bring a small grin to his face. But he had also felt deeply sorry for the proud and dignified man as his shame, or as he had seen it, had been exposed. ´I am a thief. Your Lordship, you have my resignation.´ He had held his breath at that. If Mr Carson, loyal Mr Carson, who had dutifully served the family for more than thirty years was to be cast away from Downton, for such a trivial reason, there would be no hope for him once the secrets of his past were out. He´d be leaving Downton in cuffs. Thankfully, it hadn´t come to that. Lord Grantham had easily dealt with the situation and said no more about it. He and Anna had quickly agreed to keep Mr Carson´s secret a private thing between the two of them.

´Poor Mr Carson, we´ll have to treat him like a god for a month to calm his nerves,´ she´d told him walking downstairs.

He had chuckled at that and replied: ´I´m afraid this will change the way we think about him.´  
>And Anna, always there to defend the one in the vulnerable position had answered immediately: ´Then we mustn't let it.´<p>

´Oh, but it will… the Cheerful Charlies…!´ he had looked at her, his eyes full of mirth and they´d burst out laughing together.

´For all his talk of dignity, we know his story now.´

Her answer came as fast as it was determined. ´And admire him more because of it.´

_You´re such a sweetheart._ The thought had entered his mind unbidden. It caused his heart to swell and a warm feeling to spread through his body. Slightly confused by this sudden rush of emotions, he´d said: ´Maybe, but it will change the way we think about him, it always does.´  
>And then she had spoken the words that had gripped his heart. He never knew one sentence could make him feel so deliriously happy and at the same time cause him to feel as if his heart was being plunked in ice-cold water.<p>

´I don´t see why. I shouldn´t care what I found out about you. Whatever it was. It wouldn´t alter my opinion of you one bit.´

And the truth had come crashing down on him. The truth of his past and of his current, impossible predicament. And none of it could be spoken. For if she knew his truth, it _would_ make her think differently about him.

´It would. It certainly would. ´

After that encounter his thoughts and feelings had been a mess for days. On the one hand, realising just how dear she was to him had made him look at her in a whole new light. He´d always enjoyed to see the sparkle in her eye, now he wished he saw so much more in them. He liked their closeness, often sitting next together during meals, walking together to church or to the village. Now he longed to touch her and wondered what it would be like to hold her, to take her in his arms and kiss her… he quickly came to realize he´d fallen head over heels for her. But always, before he could get too carried away in a fantasy, his consciousness reminded him of the bitter reality: he was married. And although he hadn´t heard from Vera for years, it still meant he had no right to even feel about Anna the way he did. And to add to that, he had been a drunkard and been in prison. She deserved none of the baggage he was lugging around. She deserved a young man who doted on her. Who was young and carefree, like she was.

And so the endless war in his conscience began. He longed to be near to her, make her happy in any small way he could. And when they were together he could for a moment pretend and forget his haunting past. Until he was alone again and he despised himself for his actions. For stringing her along, when he could offer her nothing.

And then the fatal day came when she´d confessed her feelings for him. ´_I love you, Mr Bates.´_ So frank and unashamed. While he could have curled up and perish in his own shame. She didn´t love him, of course. She loved who she thought he was. She loved the smoke curtain he´d created for her. And with it, her heart would shatter and he could chalk up another crime on his long record. If she knew she would be disgusted by him. Or**,** even worse… pity him. In his darkest, most morose moments it was easier to believe all her feelings could be trailed back to pity. After all, why else would she bother to care about him?

Of course, when she did find out the truth, she hadn´t turned away from him. Quite the contrary. She´s still sought him out and had gone to great lengths to clear his name. He was still somewhat in shock about the way she had visited his mother. Her weekly letters now steadfastly ended with the poignant sentence:´_Please give Miss Smith my warmest regards. Is she alright?_´ His mother had told her version of the truth and it had been enough to restore her faith in him. So in the end he had been allowed to keep his job.

But then the stress of the previous months, the constant self-accusation and the fact that after all there was said and done he was still married to Vera reached its lowest point at the garden party. With the dread of another war looming over them he knew fully that there was no future for them. She thought she knew the truth now, but she didn´t. She didn´t know the man he´d been once. And after a long night bitterly beating himself up about warning Molesley away from her – who had so much more to offer her then he ever could, he finally reached the decision to put an end to it all. He couldn´t, wouldn´t tie his troubled past to her future. Vera or no Vera. And so he had vowed himself to stand back and keep away from her.

The first weeks had been absolute torture. He tried to keep to himself and stand back as much as he could. The puzzled looks she had given him tore at his heart, but he had persisted. When she had approached him, he had been kind but firm, turning away from her as quickly as possible. He avoided situations where he would find himself alone with her. She had tried to talk, tried to reach out to him, but something had seemed to have changed in her as well. Ever since the garden party she seemed more subdued and she´d accepted their changing relationship much faster than he thought she´d would.

Which only caused him more grief. His heart longed for her, called out to her. His feelings for her refused to be buried**,** and remained strong as ever. There were a few times when his control had almost slipped. Moments where he had just barely contained himself from grabbing her and pouring out his heart to her, showing her exactly how much she meant to him.

Eventually their once so precious friendship lay shattered at their feet. These days, they barely acknowledged each other anymore.

He´d thought he didn´t have a heart to risk. As it turned out, she´d healed it. But only so that it could be broken again.


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N: A bit thank you to all the wonderful people who´ve left a review. These two chapters come fresh from my wonderful beta stuckinpast, so I hope you´ll enjoy them!_

**Chapter 2**

His Lordship had returned from London and was to remain at Downton Abbey for at least two months. The relief felt both by the family as the staff was enormous and it helped a great deal to lift some of the tense atmosphere.

It happened on a Saturday afternoon. Mr Carson was in his parlour, going over some accounts; Mrs Hughes was in the kitchen, talking to Mrs Patmore; and Anna sat at the table of the servant´s hall , engrossed in her needlework. Not much was heard, apart from the soft voices coming from the kitchen, when Mr Bates walked in. Anna of course recognized him before he was inside. The sound of his cane on the floor was unmistakable. But she did not, as she once used to, look up the moment he came in. It wasn´t until she felt him stand next to her and bending over her that she looked up in surprise. She realized with a start that this was the closest they had been together in months. So accustomed as she was now to avoiding him, she had almost forgotten what it felt like to have him stand so close to her. What it was like to have his smell wash over her and to feel the warmth of his body so near her own. Though her mind may have forgotten, her body hadn´t and it reacted as it always had. She felt her heart rate quicken and the tingling in her stomach. ´Three years…,´ were her vexed thoughts. ´It has been almost three years and absolutely nothing has changed.´

For the first in a long time she looked at him, really looked at him. There were shadows beneath his eyes. Eyes that had lost their twinkle**,** and had gone dull instead. Now he looked worried, a deep crease forming above his eyebrows.

`Mr Bates…´ she inquired softly. ´What is it?`

His voice was a little above a whisper and he leaned in a bit more, to make sure she heard him. `I just saw Enid coming in, returning from her free afternoon in the village.´ He was so close she could actually feel his breath tickling the skin of her cheek. ´She looked very upset. I meant to ask her what the matter was, but she ran upstairs before I got the chance. I should warn Mrs Hughes, but perhaps it will be better if you talked to her first.´

`Of course!´ Anna immediately lay down the piece of clothing she was holding and got to her feet, her thoughts going out to the young maid upstairs, probably in their shared bedroom.  
>`Thank you Mr Bates. I will go and see her at once.´ She gave him a small smile. In response his lips moved ever so slightly. He didn´t exactly smile, but his mouth softened as if it would. Inwardly, Anna sighed wearily. Such a long way back to where they once were.<p>

Pushing all thoughts of Mr Bates firmly out of her mind she quickly ascended the stairs to the women´s part of the servants quarters. Even before she reached the door of their bedroom, she could hear someone sobbing.

Enid was lying on her bed, flat on her stomach, her face buried in the pillow. Her hands were clenched in fists and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. Anna quickly crossed the room and sat down on the bed, next to the distressed girl.

`There, there, now…´ she said softly, placing her hand on Enid´s back. ´Won´t you tell me what the matter is?´ At first her kind words only caused the girl to sob even harder. Anna remained patiently by her side, rubbing her back occasionally and uttering soothing words of comfort. After a while Enid became more quiet and eventually sat up. She lifted her red, tear-stained face towards Anna who was quick to offer her a handkerchief. Enid took it and wiped at her face.

´Whatever happened this afternoon that made you so upset?´ Anna asked again gently.

´How… how did you know I was even up here?´ Enid hiccupped hoarsely.

´Mr Bates saw you returning and he noticed you looked upset… so he asked me to check up on you.´ Anna explained.

`It´s… it´s Henry,´ Enid started with difficulty, her voice hoarse from all the crying. ´He… he broke our engagement…´ A fresh wave of tears spilled from her eyes and Anna wrapped her arms around her shoulders. ´How´s that possible? You were so keen on each other. Did you have a quarrel?´

´No… not at all,´ Enid sobbed. ´Well… we did eventually.' She looked again at Anna, who felt a great wave of compassion when she saw the grief, bordering to bewilderment on the face of the normally so happy and cheerful girl. Her curiosity was piqued as well now. What could have caused Henry to end things with Enid so suddenly? ´Why don´t you start at the beginning,´ she suggested carefully.

´Henry was already acting strange when I came into the store today,´ Enid told her. ´You see, he normally greets me the moment I walk in, only if it´s just to smile. But today he barely looked at me… he was still attending a customer and he only asked me to wait outside for him. When he finally came… we walked to the churchyard, but he was so quiet. He still wouldn´t look at me… acting like I was a complete stranger to him. Once we got in the churchyard…´ Enid obviously found it difficult to continue her story. ´He told me he wanted to end our relationship… he said he wants to join the army…´ Again Enid burst out in tears and Anna hugged her tightly.

´I´m so sorry for you, Enid,´ she told her honestly. ´What made him decide to enlist all of a sudden? I thought Henry wanted to remain in Mr Hale´s services?´

´He did want that!´ Enid´s voice made it clear she was still surprised by her suitor´s sudden change of heart. ´Mr. Hale asked him to stay… he and the Mrs don´t have children of their own and since Henry´s elder brother George is to inherit the farm… Mr. Hale wants to turn the shop over to Henry in a year or so… he says he´s getting to old to keep the shop himself. We´ve been saving for that for years now…´

´And you have no idea what made him change his mind?´ Anna asked. 

´Oh…, I have an idea alright!´ suddenly Enid´s grief changed into fury. ´He didn´t want to say anything at first, but I pushed on… that´s why we quarrelled. And in the end he told me… A day earlier a girl in the street had given him a white feather and called him a coward because he hadn´t signed up. He was so upset about it… he believes it, you see! He now believes he's a coward… says he´s unworthy of me until he´s fought in the war. And of course I told him it was rubbish… I told him I love him… told him I thought he was honourable and brave…, but he wouldn't listen. He kept talking about doing his duty… So I told him he had a duty towards Mr Hale and towards me, but it was like he didn´t hear me… The more I talked, the more he seemed determined to go. Somehow what that girl said to him got to him so bad…´

´Well, that´s not surprising,´ Anna interjected. ´What she said was despicable.´

´What am I to do, Anna?´ Enid´s face was a picture of desperation. ´I can´t imagine my life without Henry… I like it here at Downton well enough, but I do not want to be a housemaid forever. ´I want to marry Henry and keep a shop together… I… I don´t want to lose him!´

´Easy now,´ Anna tried to comfort her. ´He hasn´t left yet. Maybe he only needs some time for the shock to wear off and for him to realize again what it is he really wants.´

´I hope so…´ Enid replied in a small voice. Anna could see she was in no fit state yet to return downstairs and face the rest of the staff. Always the practical one, she quickly thought of a solution. ´Why don´t you stay up here and take some time for yourself?´ she suggested. ´I´ll bring a tray of food upstairs for you.´

Enid nodded, still tearfully. ´I´d like that… I don´t think I want to see anyone just yet… to tell them…´ ´Don´t tell them anything for now,´ Anna reassured her. ´I don´t think for a moment Henry will stay away from you for long.´

A watery smile broke through Enid´s face. ´Thank you, Anna. You´re right of course. I mustn´t give up hope…´

´No..**.** no, you shouldn´t,´ Anna agreed whole-heartily. 


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Between attending to the girls, getting them ready for dinner, making sure Enid had something to eat and helping the kitchen staff getting everything ready for dinner, Anna had barely time to grab a bite to eat herself, let alone sit down for dinner with the rest of the household staff. It wasn´t until ten o´clock when she could finally took a chair at the table to finish the needlework she´d been working on that afternoon. The rest of the staff, save from Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson who were talking in the parlour of the latter, had gone upstairs as well. The conversation she had with Enid was still fresh in Anna´s mind. And the more she thought about it, the more her anger about the whole situation grew. How insupportable, how cruel it was to present a young man a white feather and call him a coward. She had never heard of this practise before and couldn´t quite believe anyone could scoop so low as to actually carry it out.

A while later Mr Bates, who had been assisting Lord Grantham getting ready to retire, appeared in the doorway. He debated for an instant whether or not to come in. She was alone. He had avoided being alone with her for over six months now. But he also worried about the young housemaid who had seem so distressed that afternoon. Surely there could be no harm if he made a brief inquiry after her? There was enough of their working relationship left to do that, wasn´t there? He told himself sternly that was all there was to it. Him, the valet, one of the more senior members of the staff asking her, the head housemaid about the welfare of one of the other maids. Nothing more to it. So he finally spoke up: ´Is Enid alright?´

This time she hadn´t noticed him come in. So engrossed she had been in her needlework and her thoughts. Her head shot up in surprise and the ghosts of her worries still lingered on her face, causing Bates to step into the room fully. He acted fully on impulse, brought on her troubled look.  
>´I´m not certain she is,´ she answered his question. ´She´s still very upset. Henry, that´s her fiancé, broke off the engagement this afternoon.´<p>

A look of pity crossed his face. `Poor lass… did she tell you why?´ 

Anna nodded, the worried expression never leaving her face. ´He wants to enlist in the army.´

Sensing there was more to it and unable to walk away now he crossed the room and sat down next to her. He didn´t say anything, but his eyes were imploring her to continue. 

´Enid told me a girl had come up him, to Henry and had told him he was a coward for not joining the army. She gave him a white feather…´ Anna broke off her sentence, not sure if she could explain something she didn´t quite comprehend herself.

Understanding dawned in his eyes, together with his revulsion. ´The order of the white feather,´ he said softly.

`Excuse me?´ Anna asked, understanding even less of it now.

`I first heard about it when I was in London with his Lordship,´ he explained. ´Apparently it´s a daily occurrence there. Young women, no more than girls sometimes, present white feathers to men who are not wearing regimentals, to show their disdain for their cowardice.´

´Why would anyone do such a thing?´ Anna exclaimed, finally voicing the question that had plagued her all afternoon.

´The British Army needed more volunteers, I suppose that´s where it all started,´ Bates answered., founding himself eager to discuss a topic that had been weighting on his mind as well. ´There´s this Admiral Charles Fitzgerald who founded ´The order of the white feather´ right at the beginning of the war. Like I said, he urges girls to give white feathers to men who appear not to have signed up for the army yet. But somehow it quickly deteriorated from there… I´ve heard stories about girls who give feathers to boyfriends they´ve grown tired of, just to get rid of them.´ Seeing Anna´s shocked expression he added, ´In a way it´s about a form of power. At least that´s how I see it. And usually a war doesn´t bring out the best in people.´ This last words were said with the smallest hint of bitterness.

´Enid said Henry was heartbroken because of it,´ Anna said softly.

`I´m not surprised,´ Bates replied. ´Last time we were in London we stayed at the house of Lady Rosamund. There was a young footman there, his name was Edmund… he came back to the house one day, looking as pale as the feather he held in his hand. We, the butler and I got him upstairs and he completely broke down. He sobbed like a babe… a girl he knew and trusted had put the feather in his hand, right in the middle of the street, calling him a traitor and a coward… the poor lad was humiliated to his very core. He enlisted the following day and was gone within a week.´ 

Upon seeing the tears form in Anna´s eyes he wondered briefly if he had done right in telling her. But it felt a relief to do so, the image of the tortured face of young Edmund had plagued his thoughts for many weeks now.

´Blasted, stupid girls,´ he muttered without thinking. ´Pardon my language,´ he added hastily, but Anna shook her head vehemently. ´My sentiments exactly!´ she said, sounding like the confident Anna he knew so well.

He marvelled at the relief he felt, simply being able to speak his mind again, unguarded. To a person who understood him so completely. Unbidden, a smile lit his face and Anna felt her heart skip a beat. It was the smile she had come to love so dearly and had missed so much in the past months. The smile that made it all the way up to his eyes and made the lines around it crinkle.

´You know…´ he hesitated only for the briefest instant and then he continued. ´I received a white feather myself one day while I was in London.´

´What?´ Anna almost jumped right out of her seat right there. ´That´s outrageous!´ she cried.

Her fury warmed his heart and he allowed himself a small chuckle. ´I doubt the girl was more than fifteen years old, but she came up to me all high and mighty and reproached me for not wearing khaki. Asked me if I were a coward and didn´t think my country was worth fighting for.´

By now her eyes were shooting daggers on his behalf. ´I do hope you told her off,´ her voice was reeling with indignation. ´The single nerve of that girl to even speak to you like that…´ 

As much as he tried to suppress it, a small, treacherous part of his heart loved to see her like this, all passionate and riled up. Loved to see her anger because of him. Loved her. 

With a momentous effort he pushed those feelings down. Feelings he had long swore to himself to get rid of.

`I never did,´ he told her, ´I decided that she didn't know anything and that I did. She couldn´t know I had actually tried to enlist but was told my services weren´t needed. She never knew I had a long talk with his Lordship and we´d decided between the two of us that we had done our part in active fighting and would now carry on our duties here. She didn´t know, but I did. And I´m not saying it was easy at first, but I will say now that I´ve made my peace with it and that a girl of barely fifteen can´t do very much to change that.´

At first she didn´t respond to his little speech, but then she lifted those big, grey eyes to his. `I think you´re very wise.´

´Well…´ a sudden shyness seemed to enfold him. Her praise meant more to him than he ever cared to admit. The word hung between them for a second, their eyes transfixed for a moment, until he scraped his throat and broke the gaze. ´But what about Enid, then?´

´When I last checked on her…**,**´was it his imagination or did sound her voice the tiniest bit uneven? ´When I last checked on her, she was still crying. I really hope things will clear between them.´

´Do you think Enid would mind very much if he did enlist?´ he voiced the question he´d been wondering about for a while now.

Anna bit her lip, contemplating the question. ´I don´t know exactly… She won´t be jumping for joy, that´s for sure. But I think she could accept it if he choose to do so. What´s hurting her is that he´s keeping her away…´

His stomach clenched uncomfortably at her words, but he was spared an answer because the door of Mr Carson´s parlour opened and he and Mrs Hughes came out, surprised to see them both still sitting at the table. 

´Still here, Anna?´ Mrs Hughes inquired with a scrutinizing look. Anna lifted up the needlework in front of her. ´There seems to be no end of it today,´ she answered in a light voice.

´Well, I dare say there´s nothing that can´t wait until tomorrow to be mend,´ Mrs Hughes said matter-of-factly. ´There´s no use in you spoiling your eyes in this light, girl.´

´You´re absolutely right, Mrs Hughes,´ Anna replied happily, getting up and gathering her needlework. ´Tomorrow is another day. Goodnight .´ And with only the slightest glance at Mr Bates, she was gone.

After wishing Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes a somewhat absent-minded goodnight himself, John Bates followed Anna upstairs a while later, the conversation of the evening still playing through his head. After all his efforts to keep her at arm's length, to distance himself from her, he felt he was right back where he started almost three years ago. And despite his efforts not to, his heart rejoiced in being able to share her worries and his burden with her, in the way they had tonight. He wanted himself to regret the fact that he lacked the ability to stay away from her, but he felt he could only regret that he had no regrets. He lay down in his bed that night, his mind filled with images of her and for the first time in many months his body completely relaxed and he slept soundly.


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thank you again for the lovely reviews! I had a lot of fun writing the chapter, because it gave me the chance to write out my favorite scene. And to do that I to rewatch it again and again and again. Hard work...  
>Stuckinpast deserves all the credit for making sure the facts and grammar are right! <em>

**Chapter 4**

Early next morning, half an hour before the C**rawley **family was expected to rise, the staff off Downton sat down to have their breakfast. Enid had come down, dressed in her morning uniform, but her face was white as a sheet and her eyes were red and swollen. She kept her gaze down, barely eating, just picking on the food on her plate, never actually taking a bite. Anna and Mr Bates shared a worried look between them.

´What´s gotten into you?´ O´Brien asked. ´You look like a corpse.´

´Are you unwell, Enid?´ Mrs Hughes asked, also looking down on the young housemaid with a frown.

´I´m fine, Mrs Hughes,´ Enid replied in a reluctant voice. `I haven´t slept well tonight, that´s all.´

Mrs Hughes looked thoroughly unconvinced. ´Are you sure that´s all there is to it?´

´I´m sure Enid will be just fine if only we give her a moment to wake up,´ Anna chimed in, before Enid had to make an answer.

She got to her feet and poured a large cup of coffee, adding a big spoonful of sugar.

´Here you go, nothing wakes you up like some hot, steaming coffee.´

She got a thankful little smile from Enid and sat down again. Bates quickly changed the subject to a something he´d read in the morning paper, successfully diverting the attention away from Enid. After breakfast the staff went their separate ways, all to their various duties. Anna stayed behind to put some dishes in the sink, before she had to go upstairs to help the young ladies get dressed.

`The poor girl looked like a mess this morning,´ a low voice suddenly spoke behind her. Anna swiftly turned around, surprised to see he had remained behind.

´Well…´she stammered slightly. ´I don´t think she has slept for even a second. She was up most of the night writing a letter to Henry.´

He took a few steps closer towards her and looked at her carefully, noticing now that her eyes looked a bit tired as well. ´You probably didn´t get much sleep either, now did you?´ he asked softly.

She gave him a quick smile. ´I´ll live,´ she answered reassuringly. His concern touched her, but also left her somewhat bewildered.

Still, he continued to gaze at her face intently, the somewhat worried expression never leaving his. ´Are you alright then?´

She tried to mask her confusion with another smile. ´Of course… I´m fine, Mr Bates´ She glanced upstairs, breaking their eye-contact in the process. ´I really should be going… the girls are waiting for me.´ When she looked back at him she found he still hadn´t taken his eyes off of her. He looked as if he were searching for something. But at last he took a small step back and the spell was broken.

`Of course you should,´ he answered, looking down at his feet for a moment and then back up at her, rearranging his face in a natural expression. She moved away from him quickly, not daring to look back. Never noticing the slight look of defeat on his face.

Quietly he made his way to Lord Grantham´s dressing room, berating himself inwardly. Of course he wouldn´t be able to stay away from her.

He could have known. When years ago he had quit drinking he knew that if he even did as much as take a sip of alcohol, he would be undone. So he'd never came near a pub after that and confined his consumptions strictly to the non-alcoholic variety. For the past months he had kept himself almost completely away from her, knowing that if he didn't he would never came from under the spell she appeared to have cast over him. Staying away from her was indefinitely harder than keeping away from a bottle of liquor. That had been about keeping himself away from something that was going to ruin him. Staying away from her meant staying away from the best thing that life had granted him. He was a strong-willed man. Determined, some might even say stubborn. But apparently he wasn't that strong.

He assisted Lord Grantham with his dressing and made polite small-talk. Afterwards he took some of his lordship´s clothes that needed cleaning downstairs. In the hallway he met Enid. The girl still wore the downcast expression she had during breakfast. He stopped her and gave her kind smile.

`How are you doing, Enid? I´m sorry to hear about your problems with Henry…´

She looked up in surprise and he shrugged lightly. ´Anna told me.´

Enid didn't seem to be overly bothered by it. ´Did she also tell you about the feather?´

He nodded and paused for a moment, choosing his next words carefully. ´When a man´s sense of honour is attacked like that… if he is so humiliated, it can cut him very deep. Most men would retreat in themselves. You mustn´t blame Henry or take it personal.´

Enid made a sound between a snort and a sob. ´So it´s a man´s thing then?´

He smiled at that. ´You could say that. But he´ll come to his senses, you´ll see.´

He could see his words had some effect, but she still looked decidedly teary. He tried a different tactic. `Tell me something, would you say your Henry is a fool?´

A little to his amusement, Enid jumped immediately, ready to defend her suitor.

´No, not at all!´ she exclaimed.

´Well, then he won´t turn his back on a girl like you. Here…**,**´ he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her. ´Go and dry your eyes. It´ll be alright.´

At least he had managed to get the girl to smile a bit. She took the handkerchief from his hands and wiped her face. ´Thank you**,** Mr Bates, I´ll keep that in mind.´

She tried not to think about him when she laid down the dresses for girls. She tried not to think about him as she helped them get dressed and fix their hair. She tried not to think about him as she made up their beds and tidied their dressing tables. But when she got to the task of pressing evening dresses she couldn´t help but let her mind wander.

The man was turning into an enigma to her. She had accepted months ago, after that dreadful garden party that he wasn´t going to pursue her. That he couldn´t because of his wife and wouldn´t because of his innate conviction that he was not a good man. She had to admit she respected his first reason for staying away for her. Even though it hurt deeply, she acknowledged it showed his honour and moral integrity. As for the second reason, the thought it to be utter and complete nonsense.

That was how she had felt back in August. Now that time had had its chance for months to deform her memories, now that she had played every encounter they´d ever had over and over again in her mind and had analysed it to pieces she began to think he may not have loved her after all. He liked her very much, she knew that. She was sure he fancied her. Had he not once tried to kiss her? He had always been kind and cordial to her, but had he ever truly loved he? Once she had firmly believed he had. But in the cold, dark months that lay behind them, when he had distanced himself from her, when she had hardly talked to him at all, she had come to wonder if all the signs she had thought to have seen were nothing more than fickle of her imagination. And just as she had – reluctantly – started to make her peace with it, it would seem that he was seeking her out again.

His concern for her this morning had left her flustered, feeling all warm inside. His care, his concern for her well-being was one of the main things that had drawn her to him at first. How well she remembered the day, a few years back when she had been obliged to stay in bed with a bad cold.

_She had spent a good part of the day sleeping, but late afternoon she had woken and tired of sleeping more she had attempted to read a bit. The book didn´t really have her interest and her slight fever and pounding headache didn´t help either. She sat on her bed, thinking she ought to get dressed and go downstairs to get something to eat, but couldn't quite muster the energy to do so. She wondered why Gwen hadn´t come up to see her and then she realised it was the night of the fair. Feeling even more downcast now, because she loved these nights out__**,**__ she just started to feel a little sorry for herself, when she heard a knock on the door to the female wing. It surprised her… why would Gwen or any of the other maids knock? Curious now she slipped out of her bed and wrapped a warm scarf around her shoulders. Stepping inside the narrow, small hallway she could just make out the shadow of a person through the illuminated window of the door. She frowned, judging from the silhouette it couldn´t be Gwen or Daisy or even Lily. For a second she wondered whether it was Mrs Patmore, but then she heard a voice calling her name.  
><em>

_She recognized the voice immediately and her surprise grew. ´Mr Bates?´ she asked, making her way to the door. What could he want?  
><em>

_´Could you open the door?´ he asked in a somewhat hurried voice. Her step faltered a bit and she hesitated. ´I daren´t… nobody can open that door except for Mrs Hughes.´ Still she continued to walk towards the door. Through the inches of the window that didn´t contain of mat glass she could make out parts of his valet attire, his hands and something silvery.  
><em>

_`Just for a moment, I´ve brought you something.´ There was a slightly amused note to his voice while she still stood there debating whether or not she should open the door. Then she realised: this was Mr Bates, if there was anyone she trusted, if there was anyone she could open the door for, it was him. Reaching a decision, she took the key from its hook and unlocked the door. She noticed the plate with food in his hands and her eyes were immediately drawn to the flowers in its glass vase. He grinned and presented her the plate, as he would have done to one of the gentlemen or ladies upstairs.  
><em>

_Delight, worry, self-consciousness, which caused her to tighten the scarf around her, all those feelings ran through her mind when she stammered: ´I… I don´t know what…´  
><em>

_´Shhh…,´ he interrupted her, glancing back inside the main corridor, making sure no-one was approaching. The thoughtfulness of his act and the fact that it him who brought her the tray, now fully dawned on her and she flashed him a brilliant smile, taking the tray from him. She held his gaze as she stepped back, wondering what had brought this sweet display of care on.  
>He finally met her eyes but didn´t quite smile at her. Instead he looked… troubled, causing the smile from her face to fall as well. She broke their gaze for second, looking down at the plate, not really understanding what to make of his actions. The moment she looked up there was a noise heard in the corridor, startling them both. He made a small noise, indicating he should go and she gave him another big smile, making certain he knew just how grateful she was. And then he was gone and she stood in the dark corridor with a tray full of food and a pounding heart. <em>

It had been the moment she´d fallen in love with him. Or knew that she had. The signs had been there early on. She´d liked him the moment she had laid eyes on him, there was something about him that intrigued him. She wanted to get to know him. Wanted to know the big things about him, like why he used a cane, or how he knew Lord Grantham and what it had been for him to fought in Boer War. But also the little things. How did he drink his tea, what books did he like to read, how did he like to spend his leisure time?

He was quite a bit older then she was, but because of her position as head housemaid she felt closer to him in age then to anyone else at Downton. She loved having someone to confide in, to talk with without having to be the responsible one. And so a deep friendship had begun to form between them. He may have thought that she was looking out for him, but in truth she felt he was looking out for her. And it felt nice. She came to realize that she had missed having someone she could turn to. At home she´d been the eldest daughter. Her mother was a loving, intelligent woman, but after the birth of her youngest child often indisposed, so Anna had soon become the mature and responsible one, somewhat of a surrogate mother. When she had come to Downton she had kept on to this role of being the girl that could be relied upon. Once, in an unguarded moment, after having had to shoo one of the young scullery maids and one of the stable boys out of the stable with a broom, Mrs Hughes had sighed to her: ´You´re the only one who doesn't give me any trouble, Anna.´

At a fairly young age she had been promoted to head housemaid. She was pleased with herself and enjoyed the position of trust she was in, being one of the more senior members of the staff. She liked looking after people, whether it were the Grantham girls or the younger maids. Or even anything she could do to make the lives of Mrs Patmore of Mrs Hughes easier.

In all these years, there never was anyone she particularly cared about. Certainly, she liked a nice face to look at. When the son of the Turkish ambassador had visited Downton she had openly acknowledged to Gwen and Miss O'Brien she thought he was beautiful. And when she went dancing, she was never short of men claiming her hand. But she´d always kept her wits about her.

Until he came. She´d thought him handsome, she´d thought him attractive, but what touched her the most was that she´d found him to be caring. And after the night he had brought her dinner, she knew she´d lost her heart. He was the first man she could see as her husband, as a man she could spend the rest of her life with. Taking care of him**,** and being taken care of.

She was convinced at first that this display of care from his side indicated that he might feel the same way about her. Now, in the sobering light of months of estrangement from him she thought differently. He was a kind man, therefore he acted kindly. But he hadn´t meant anything more by it. At most he had been returning the favour she had done him earlier.

And now it seemed he was slowly edging back in their old friendship. She was happy about it, and more than welcome to embrace it. But she vowed herself to be more guarded of her heart this time.


	6. Chapter 5

_A/N: The text of the pamphlet Anna is reading isn´t made up. If you do a google image __**search **__of ´Order of the white feather´ you get various pamphlets like this. I only changed ´To the young women of London´ to ´To the young wom__**e**__n of Downton´._

**Chapter 5**

With a worried look on her face Anna watched Enid come into the servants hall. Her entire demeanour showed that her quest, the reason she'd gone to the village under the disguise of posting some letters had been entirely unsuccessful. 'Did you even got to talk to him?' Anna asked sympathetically.

Unceremoniously Enid dropped her bonnet on the kitchen table and sighed deeply. 'Not even a word… he just shuts me out completely. He was with a customer when I came into the bakery, as he always is these days and the minute he were gone, the turned away to the storage room. I've waited for ten minutes for him to come out… but he never came… I felt like such an idiot.'

'I'm so sorry, Enid,' Anna offered. 'Perhaps he still needs some more time.'

'Does he now?' For the first time Anna recognized a hint annoyance in Enid's voice. 'It's been over a week now and no matter what I try, I can't get him to talk to me… I'm beginning to think he's just using this as an excuse to get rid of me, something he'd planned all along…'

'Oh Enid, surely you don't mean that!' Anna exclaimed. 'You've been walking out for years… he wouldn't turn his back on you.'

'I'm beginning to think that he would,' Enid replied dejectedly. 'I've never seen him like this before. What if he just didn't want me anymore?'

'Think about it,' Anna argued reasonably. 'Before he got that blasted feather, was there anything wrong between the two of you?'

Instantly the younger girl's eyes filled with tears. 'No… it was all just… perfect.'

'You see…' Anna continued gently, 'the only reason he's acting this way is because of what that girl said to him. It must have hurt him deeply. But he'll come around, you'll see.'

'He better be…' Enid replied in a small voice, 'I don't know how much more of this I can take.' Then she pulled her shoulders back and stood up straight. 'Well… no use in dwelling… I'd better be going, or Mrs Hughes will have a fit. Thank you for covering for me, Anna.'

'You're welcome,' Anna replied, wishing she could do more. But it was really between the two of them, up to Henry to come to his senses. She gathered her sewing kit and mending and started on the first of a seemingly endless line of stockings. After only a few minutes she heard the sound of footsteps, alternated by the clicking of a cane in the hallway. 'Mr Bates!' she called out.

Soon enough his form appeared in the doorway. 'Anna, can I do anything for you?'

Once upon a time she would have believed that his voice sounded just that bit softer and deeper when he spoke to her. Now she merely gave him a what she hoped to be friendly smile and asked: 'I've started on the daily sewing ritual… is there anything from his Lordship's things that needs mending?'

He thought for a moment and then nodded. 'One of the pockets of his waistcoats got torn up a bit. You wouldn't mind…?'

'I wouldn't have offered if I did,' she grinned.

'I'll go get it for you then, ´ he replied, matching her grin.

He returned, minutes later and handed her the waistcoat, smiling down at her. 'Thank you.'

'It's no bother**…**' she replied lightly, matching his smile.

'Well…' he leaned in closer, his smile turning playful now. 'I'm sure Miss O'Brien would feel differently about that, so that makes me a very thankful man.' Their shared laughter filled the room and he felt himself unwilling to leave. 'I passed Enid in the hallway just now,' he remarked, thankful for the topic that gave him a reason to stay. 'Still no change there, is there?'

Anna shook her head, her gaze darkening. ´She just went to the village to post some letters and to stop by at the bakery, but he is avoiding her to the point of rudeness.´

´Well…´ he answered, sighing deeply. ´I imagine things haven´t become easier for him in the last week or so. Here**…** have a look at this!´ He retrieved a crumbled piece of paper from pocket of his jacket and handed it to her. Curiously Anna unfolded the sheet and read. While she did her face slowly filled with horror.

TO THE YOUNG WOMEN OF DOWNTON  
>Is your best boy wearing khaki?<br>If not, don´t you think he should be?  
>If he does not think you and your country<br>are worth fighting for – do you think he is  
>worthy of you?<p>

Don´t pity the girl who is alone – her young  
>man is probably a soldier – fighting for her<br>and her country – and for you!

If your young man neglects his duty to his  
>King and Country, the time may come<br>when he will neglect you!

Think it over – then ask him to  
>JOIN THE ARMY TODAY!<p>

´I… I don´t believe it…´ she stammered. ´How can anyone write something so verminous…, let alone agree with it… Where did you find it?´

´Apparently Downton now has a very active local committee of the Order of the White Feather.´ Bates replied grimly. ´You´ll find pamphlets like this all over the village. I ripped this one from a tree in front of Mr Hale´s shop. I reckoned Henry didn´t need to see it.

Anna was still staring down at the pamphlet she held in her hands. ´I can understand now why he is so upset. To have such an accusation flung in your face…´

´I pity those girls too…´ Bates commented after some thought. ´To be caught up in such a half lie.´

´Really?´ Anna asked incredulously. ´You can sympathize with those girls?´

´Well… you´re a sensible woman, Anna,´ he responded kindly. ´But remember what it was like to be eighteen and naïve and not knowing anything about the world except for what happened at Downton?´

´I suppose you have a point there,´ she admitted reluctantly. ´But I still find it hard to believe.´

He allowed himself a small grin. ´Of course you were never _that_ young or naïve...´

Somewhat to his surprise – and although he didn´t want to admit it, disappointment – she let the remark pass completely. Instead her face turned even more serious. ´I hope I never find one of the girls here with a rag of paper like that. I´ll be sure to give them a piece of my mind.´

He took the pamphlet from her hands and folded it back into his pocket. ´I intend to speak to his Lordship about this, before this gets even more out of hand. Those girls are tricked in believing some half cooked notion about honour and duty and are urged to persuade their boys into acting on this nonsense. It´s like they´re…**,**´ he paused, searching for the right word.

´Almost as if they´re being blackmailed as well.´ Anna finished for him.

´Yes, thank you,´ he answered with some vigour. ´That just hit the nail straight on the head.

They´re being blackmailed into believing and acting on something they wouldn´t do under normal circumstances. ´

´War never brings out the best in people,´ she quietly echoed his words from two weeks ago.

´It certainly doesn´t,´ he agreed.

´I can´t help but feeling terrible that something so spiteful has happened to Henry,´ Anna spoke softly.

Bates was touched by the compassion he heard in her voice, but then it suddenly hit him, like a revelation. She had spoken the words in true compassion, not pity. She had seen the worth of young Henry and her heart hurt at the thought that someone had viciously attacked that value. With a start he realized she felt the same way about him. She had never pitied him. She had seen his worth and had defended his value to everyone who had attacked it. For a long time he had believed, or told himself to believe that her behaviour towards him was the result of pity and nothing more. But now he saw that to accuse her of pitying him was a great slight of her true feelings. Of her true regard.

For a split second he saw himself as through her eyes. And although he still couldn´t understand why she saw him that way, it finally dawned on him _that _she saw him that way. He could almost feel this discovery going through his mind and sinking lower still, until it landed deeply in his heart.

And in that moment he fell in love with her all over again. And more profound so, more deeper than ever before.

His feelings must have been written clear on his face, because she gave him a most peculiar look. ´Is something wrong, Mr Bates?´

He could feel his defences crumbling around him. Not loving her was as impossible as not drawing breath. It would both finish him off.

´No…´ he replied, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears. ´There´s nothing wrong…´

He couldn´t keep his eyes of her, could no longer fight off the rush of emotions building inside him. He reached out to her hand. ´Anna…´

His fingers had barely grazed hers before she pulled back, glancing at his face but not quite meeting his eyes. ´I… I need to fetch one of Lady Edith´s gowns… that needs mending…´

´Anna…´ he tried again, but she stood up, placing the chair she´d been sitting on between them. ´I really should get started on it…´ she flashed him a confused smile and then she ran.

She left him bewildered, almost in a state of shock. Until a dreadful thought crept in his mind. He had spent months trying to distance himself from her, trying to put an end to whatever feeling it was she held for him. Could it be that he had actually succeeded?


	7. Chapter 6

_A/N: As always, thanks for the reviews and_ **stuckinpast,** _thank you for beta-ing! The scene at the end of the chapter is the reason I started the story. One day I was wondering what would have to happen before Bates would let go of his guilt. This scene popped in my mind and from there it turned into a nine-part fic. _

**Chapter 6**

After a long and sleepless night, spend tossing and turning and being bothered – more so then normally by his bad leg, it was with a heavy heart that he started on the day. Anna didn´t appear at breakfast and after a surly inquire from Miss O´Brien, Mrs Hughes told them she was with Daisy, who appeared to be deeply distressed by a nightmare she´d had about William. ´I thought I´d let Anna stay with her a bit… it might cheer the girl up.´

He could well imagine. Practical, cheerful Anna soothing Daisy´s nervous fears. Being gentle and understanding on the one hand, but also firm enough to get the girl to buckle up. He sighed inwardly, cursing his actions of the previous afternoon for the umpteenth time. What had he been trying to accomplish? Declaring himself while he had nothing to offer. Despite everything, he was a married man, not free to love her as he wished to. And no matter how much he desired her, no matter how much he longed for her, needed her in his life, he would not compromise her. He would not turn the love they had into a sordid affair, sneaking around the house, always afraid of getting caught, which would happen eventually. He wouldn´t risk her reputation, her job at Downton.

He would have to reap now what he had sowed. She deserved better than a man shackled by his past. She deserved better than the secrets, whole lies and half-truths he had to offer. She came into the servants' hall, just as he was about to leave. He caught her eyes for just a second, but she turned away quickly and he could feel his heart sinking just a bit lower.

The afternoon found her at the table in the servants hall. For once not buried in mending. The house was quiet and she decided she could just sit down for twenty minutes to have a cup of tea and glance through the newspaper. There was news of war of course. And more news of war. But at the moment she settled for anything that could take her mind of the man that had been plaguing her thoughts for… well, far longer than she cared to admit. His actions of the day before surprised her, but her own behaviour simply bewildered her. What had possessed her to held back? Why had she fled the room like a coward? What would he have told her if she hadn´t ran like a nervous schoolgirl? These questions and regrets had kept her up all night and tolled through her head most of the day. She would take anything for a distraction.

Distraction came in the form of Enid who burst through the door of the servants hall, literally blazing with anger. ´That thoughtless, self-serving IDIOT!'

Anna looked up, her eyes widening at the sight of Enid's fury. 'Wasn't today your afternoon off?' she asked tentatively.

Enid seemed just ready to spit nails. 'It was. And where would I go but to my former fiancé to talk some sense into that headstrong, thick head of his!'

'I take it he hasn't come around then?' It was slightly stating the obvious, Anna realised, but Enid didn't seem to mind. 'No-… he hasn't. It was very much the same as always. ´I´m not worthy of you, Enid, not unless I´ve proven myself in the war… You shouldn´t want to be near a coward like me…´ He just insist to continue to drown in self-pity and…'

Here raging speech was stopped by the appearance of Mr Bates, who´d stepped in the doorway.

'What's going on?' he asked in his calm voice.

Enid was too caught up to make a reply, but Anna gave him a look that expressed all her concern for the situation. 'Henry,' was all she said and a look of comprehension dawned on his face.

'Would you rather have it I leave you two alone?' he asked carefully.

But Enid shot him a fierce look and shook her head forcefully. 'Actually Mr Bates, I'd rather like it if you would stay. I´d like to hear your thoughts on this.'

Not fully managing to hide his surprise at that he stepped into the hall. 'Very well, how can I help you?'

'Mr Bates… you're a man…' Enid started slowly.

'I am,' he replied solemnly, bowing his head. He still had no clue where this was going, but he risked one look at Anna and saw the corners of her mouth trembling dangerously. Anna… always there to share his amusement, even if it was only with a glance. In that alone she had brought so much joy to his life. Reluctantly he diverted his attention back to Enid, who seemed to struggle to come up with right words.

'Well, tell me then,' she finally continued. 'How do you persuade the man you love, who is determined to believe he is unworthy of you and is persistently pushing you away that you love him and want to be with him, regardless of what he believes of himself or is made to believe?'

Any humour he may have found in the situation evaporated in an instant. Without even looking he could feel Anna's eyes burning in his back and he felt his throat go dry and his body go numb. The silence stretched for what felt like minutes, until Enid spoke again. This time her voice was a tearful whisper.

'How do I make him understand that I love him and that I want to be with him, Mr Bates?'

He closed his eyes, trying desperately to sort out the turmoil of thoughts and feelings that went through his head. Enid and Henry. Anna and himself. The situations where so very different. Young Henry had only been victim to an vicious act of… ignorance. There was no truth in any of the accusations. But him… his own past rose in front of his mind´s eye, as a grotesque and deformed monster. He had every right, every duty to shield Anna away from that past. To shield himself… ´_Who are you protecting exactly, John Bates?´ _a small voice broke through his clouded thoughts. A voice that had long been muzzled by his own harsh self-judgement.

He opened his eyes again and looked at Anna. Her large eyes were fixed on him and he struggled to find an answer. He was a master at answering in riddles, in using other peoples situations to make his point, but now he felt completely cornered at his own game and he couldn't come up with a single coherent thought. But she deserved the truth…or as much of the truth as he had to offer in this moment.

'Mr Bates…' Enid asked again, her voice trembling.

He could at least answer Enid. Give her some comfort. But he was acutely aware that he was in fact answering both women. He licked his lips and started in an uncertain voice. 'Well… you tell this man that you love him. You tell him you hold him in high regard, even if he contradicts you again and again…' he kept his eyes steady on Enid, knowing that if he did as much as glance at Anna it would be his undoing.

'You show him your love in countless little actions…' for a mere second a warm smile hovered over his mouth and his eyes softened. 'You persist in loving him, even if he gives you very little back. But in the end, that man has to choose. He has to choose to believe you, to let you in and let you love him. To believe you, instead of everything else he used to believe in…' He had answered himself, as much as Enid.

'I can't make that choice for him, now can I?' Enid asked, tears streaming down her face.

He shook his head sadly. 'No…, you can't. Only he can.'

´_Only you can, John Bates_´ the little voice persisted.

Enid buried her face in her hands and burst out into racking sobs. Immediately Anna jumped to her side and wrapped her in a hug.

Their eyes met briefly. A look that wanted to say much, but this was neither the time or the place. He looked at the heart-broken girl in Anna's arms and reached a decision. 'I need to go out for a bit, I'll be back soon,' he told her softly.

Anna nodded slightly and then focused her attention back to Enid. Her own thoughts were a dazed jumble at the moment and so she concentrated on the task at hand. Hearing voices in the corridor and knowing that soon the servant´s hall would be filled with people, she led Enid up the stairs to the relative privacy of their room.

Bates grabbed his hat and coat and stepped out of the servants entrance. It was time to start making amends. And he knew just where to begin.


	8. Chapter 7

_A/N: Only one more chapter to go after this… thanks to all the lovely reviews, alerts and fav´s!_

**Chapter 7**

It was only a twenty-minute walk from Downton Abbey to the village. But it was enough for Bates to calm his emotions somewhat and to gain some perspective on what had just happened. Walking in the sun, on this rather warm day in April, he let his thoughts roam free.

_´But in the end, that man has to choose. He has to choose to believe you, to let you in and let you love him. To believe you, instead of everything else he used to believe in…'_

It wasn´t until he had spoken those words out loud he had realized how true they were. He had allowed himself to believe the worst of him. He had berated and accused himself for years. Only now he realized that the demons of his past he´d been fighting had been mostly his own voice. He had been his own worst enemy. And for what? To keep his heart safe from pain. Hurting himself, so nothing or no-one else could hurt him.

He´d even allowed himself to believe she didn´t love him anymore. Now he could see it for what it was, another attempt, another excuse not to acknowledge her feelings. For her feelings were once again clear to him. She loved him. She loved him still. Even if she hadn´t said it lately, it was there, clearly visible in every little act and word.

It was time to choose. She deserved that much from him.

Mr Hale kept a small bakery on the end of High Street. When Bates walked into the store, the owner was the only one present. Since all bread and pastries were produced at Downton itself, members of the staff hardly ever came here. It caused Mr Hale to give him a quizzical stare.

Bates reached out his hand introduced himself: ´My name is John Bates, I´m Lord Grantham´s valet…´

Before he could say anything else the man in front of him began to tremble in fear. ´You come from Downton Abbey… is Enid alright…? Nothing has happened to her surely… what is it man? Tell me!´

Slightly taken aback by the panic the man displayed, Bates lifted his hand in an attempt to calm him. ´Please don´t worry… Enid is alright. I just wondered if I could have a word with Henry?´

Unfortunately this did nothing to calm the elderly man. ´What do you need Henry for? Is he in trouble? Has he done something?´

´No,´ Bates replied slowly, trying to keep his patience. ´Enid is alright, but she has been rather upset because of all this business with Henry wanting to enlist…´

And here he got cut off again by Mr Hale, who sank his heavy from down on one of the large bags of wheat, his composure the picture of desperation. He whipped a large, tartan handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his flustered face with it. ´Ah Mr Bates… a dreadful business it is indeed. I´ve said so to Mrs Hale just a moment ago… dreadful, dreadful business. Such a young, strong lad.. off in the army… and for what? For what I ask you? Well, we´ve talked to him…´ Mr Hale sighed, exasperated. ´The Mrs´s and me… we´ve talked and talked and talked to him…´

´I don´t doubt it,´ Bates interjected drily. ´But I´d like to give it a try as well. I understand he´s been under a lot of pressure…´

That had been the wrong thing to say, Bates concluded a full ten minutes later when Mr Hale was finally done expressing his indignation about poor Henry having received a feather. He realised that being lamented like this for a fortnight had probably done nothing for Henry´s already brooding state of mind. Mr Hale´s monologue was in fact ended when Henry stepped into the shop. Deciding it was time to take action, Bates made his way to the young man and pulled him out of the store. ´He´ll be back soon, Mr Hale,´ he called over his shoulder to nervous baker. ´Come on,´ he spoke quietly to Henry, ´we´re going for a little walk.´

´I don´t even know who you are,´ Henry protested.

Once again Bates introduced himself. ´I´m John Bates, Lord Grantham´s valet… from Downton Abbey.´

´From Downton Abbey?´ Henry stopped dead in his tracks, a guarded expression appearing on his face. ´Did Enid send you?´

´No, she did not send me,´ Bates replied, his irritation showing. ´I came of my accord, because I think you´re making a very serious mistake.´

´Well**…** I don´t think it´s any of your business if I do!´ Henry answered, an almost sulking edge to his voice.

`It becomes my business if I have been forced to watch for two weeks now how your former fiancée is crying her eyes out because of the way you´ve treated her.´ Bates replied grimly.

Henry seemed to be a little taken aback at this, still he said in defiant voice: ´I tried to explain it to Enid, but she doesn´t understand.´

´I´m not sure you understand either,´ Bates replied quietly. ´Listen Henry, do you truly wish to enlist?´

There was a pregnant pause, but then Henry answered in a steady voice. ´I am determined to serve

my King and country. I cannot abide by staying behind.´

Bates gave him a hard look and realized he spoke the truth. His gaze softened somewhat. ´Well, then you´ve made a courageous and noble decision.´

´I don´t think Enid would agree with you,´ Henry answered quietly.

´Oh, I think she would, ´ Bates told the young man gently. ´However, she does not agree with the way you´ve turned your back on her.´

´But that´s just it!´ Henry exploded. ´I have to fulfil my duty first! And I´ve tried to tell her that again and again…´

´And what about your duty to her?´ Bates shot back. ´You´ve promised her to marry her, to keep a shop together and you´ve broken that promise. How´s that fulfilling your duty?´

´It´s not the same… I have to fight this war, have to show my courage… and then I´ll return and be worthy of her.´

There was only so much naivety he could take. ´You´re not the hero in some King Arthur tale,´ Bates scowled. ´Did it ever occur to you that you might not come back from the war?´

Henry was visibly taken aback by this. ´Of course I´ll come back… I´ll fight bravely and…´

´You´ve absolutely no idea how gruesome a war is, have you?´ Bates told him, shaking his head. 'I´ve fought the Boer war and I can tell you, there is very little heroism about it. Look…´ he indicated his bad leg with a jerk of his head. ´This is how I came back from my heroic war. And I`m bloody lucky to be alive at all, I might add.´

Henry seemed thoroughly confused now, but not yet ready to give in, so Bates decided to try another approach. ´Of course, your actions make perfect sense if you´ve wanted to end things with Enid in the first place.´

Henry became everything of a chivalrous suitor at that. ´Of course I do not want to leave Enid. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.´

Bates looked at the young man, a bemused expression starting on his face. ´I´m not the person you should be telling this to.´

There was a long pause and then Henry asked: ´Do you think she would wait for me?´

_So that was what this was all about_. His made his answer with great determination: ´Lad, you´ve put that girl through hell and back this past two weeks and she hasn´t even thought of given up on you. I´d say she´ll wait for you.´

A look of great relief, mingled with some embarrassment filled Henry face. Bates chuckled at the sight of it and started walking towards Downton Abbey. ´Come on, let´s see if I can smuggle you on the grounds.´

When he entered the servants hall, Anna and Enid were both sitting at the table, busy polishing the load of silverware between them. They both looked up when he came in, Enid still somewhat red eyed. He carefully took of his jacket, hanging it over the crook of his arm. Then he said off-handed:

´Enid, I think you should take a look by the stables. I have the distinct impression someone is waiting for you there.´

Enid´s eyes became as large as saucers and she was momentarily completely lost for words…´Is it… did he… can I…?´

He grinned at that. ´Henry is waiting for you near the stables. But don´t be long and don´t let Mrs Hughes or Mr Carson see you. We won´t tell a thing,´ he looked at Anna. ´Will we?´

´Of course we won´t,´ Anna smiled as well at the dumbstruck expression on Enid´s face. ´Go on you!´

With a little yelp of joy Enid practically ran outside and Bates and Anna broke down in laughter.

´Did you go to the village and talk to him?´ Anna asked, once she´d calmed down a bit.

In answer he rolled his eyes. ´Oh, believe me I´ve talked.´

´It was a very nice thing you did,´ she told him softly and the warm look she gave him made his heart spin. Now was the chance…

´Anna! Good heavens girl, what are you doing with all that silverware?´ Unnoticed by any of them, Mrs Hughes had entered the servants hall and was now eyeing the full table, hands on her hips.

Anna jumped a little at Mrs Hughes sudden appearance, but answered quickly: ´I just thought I´d start on the silverware, Mrs Hughes…´

´By yourself?´ Mrs Hughes asked a tad suspicious.

Fast and very discreetly Bates placed his jacket on the table, to cover the cloth Enid had been using earlier and thus managed to keep it out of Mrs Hughes´ sight.

´Yes,´ Anna replied lightly. ´But I think I`ve bitten off a bit more then I can chew.´

´I´d be happy to help her,´ Bates offered promptly.

´I have just come down to fetch you,´ Mrs Hughes answered, still not looking wholly convinced. ´Lord Grantham needs your assistance.´ She looked back at Anna. `I´ll send Lily down to help you with this.´

´Thank you, Mrs Hughes,´ Anna replied, trying very hard to keep a straight face.

´Mr Bates…´ Mrs Hughes implored.

´Yes, I´ll be going as well then,´ Bates replied stoically. But when he turned around to retrieve his jacket, taking the cloth with him as well, he shot Anna a conspiratorial grin.

A grin that remained on his face for the rest of the afternoon.

He had chosen at last.


	9. Chapter 8

_A/N: The final instalment of __this __story…  
>Thank you so much for all the reviews, favs, comments, alerts etc. They´ve made posting this story so much fun!<em>

**Chapter 8**

Dinner in the servants' hall that evening was a rather jolly affair. Enid was practically giddy with happiness and her joy had a contagious effect. Although most of the staff guessed she and Henry had resolved their problems, no-one seemed to know exactly what had happened. And Anna and Bates just shared soft, knowing smiles between them.

After dinner, when everyone had fawned over the house, resuming their duties he caught her alone in a hallway for a brief moment. ´We need to talk,´ he stated gently.

´We do,´ she nodded, trying to sound more confident then she felt. There was something in his eyes that made her feel decidedly… fidgety.

´It´s still nice outside… will you meet me later in the kitchen´s garden?´ he asked, his voice barely more than a burr.

She nodded, finding it very hard to find words all of a sudden. ´I´m done in half an hour or so…´ she managed eventually.

His smile seemed to fill his entire face, sending her heart racing. ´I´ll see you then.´

The evening was beautiful. It had been the first warm day of spring. Early blossoms and fresh new green that had begun to sprout now bathed in the soft yellow and orange light of sunset.

He was already there when she came into the garden, sitting calmly on a stone bench, holding his cane in both is hands, his bad leg stretched out in front of him. She wondered how he could look so calm, so collected, while she felt so wind up. She contemplated sitting next to him, but then decided against it. Still too fidgety.

´Enid looked very happy this evening,´ she remarked.

´She certainly did,´ He could hear the strain in his voice, cringing slightly at it, feeling the knot of nerves in his stomach grow even tighter.

´You know…´ he looked down for a moment, shuffling his foot through the gravel before looking up again. ´I had quite a interesting discussion with Henry this afternoon.´

´Really?´ Anna asked flatly.

´Yes. We talked about his sense of duty. And about shutting people out because of it…´ Then he realized he was up to his old tricks again.

And so did she.

´John…´

Hearing her use his name for the first time caused such a rush of emotions to well up in him that he was unable to speak a word, letting her continue instead.

´I´m not playing this game anymore,´ her voice was soft, yet very determined. ´Right now I don´t care one bit about Henry. I`m only interested in what you have to say.´

´That´s fair enough, I suppose,´ he said quietly, stepping up and coming to stand in front of her.

´Anna…´ he held her gaze, determined not to waver, but to bare his soul to her. ´For so long I´ve felt it was my duty to protect you from my past… And I was wrong, I see that now… It´s just… I´ve dealt with the guilt and shame of it for so long…´ he choked, his voice cracking, ´that I don´t know what else to do.´

She placed her hand on his lower arm, stepping closer and standing on her tiptoes to match her eyes with his. ´John, I´ll never accuse you of anything.´

Every ounce of love he felt for her, had ever felt for her was displayed in the smile he gave her. ´You never did, did you?´

She smiled back at him, shaking her head slowly. Then her smile turned into the mischievous half-smile he adored so much.

´I´ll only ever accuse you of stealing my heart.´

He´d never thought it to be possible, but he loved her even more in that moment. She made things so easy for him. Slowly he reached up his hand and stroked the side of her face tenderly. But he matched her teasing voice when he told her: ´Ah…, but I´ll never confess to that.´

Her eyebrows shot up at that, her eyes growing wide. ´You won´t?´

He shook his head solemnly. ´No… you see as far as I know, fair exchange isn´t stealing.´

She burst into laughter and he happily joined in, feeling more alive than he had in a very long time. But it didn´t take long before her radiant face, so close to his own and her hands who seemed to be gripping his arms now, stirred a deep longing inside him, causing him to quiet down and cup her face in his hand.

´I love you, Anna,´ he told her, his voice rich with all the pend up feeling he had so long suppressed.

Those few words seemed to ignite a light in her eyes that took his breath away and caused his heart to thunder in his chest. He needed to kiss her, more then he needed his next breath. Lifting her face, slowly closing the distance between them he brushed his lips against hers, willing himself to be gentle, to be careful and give her time to respond at her own pace.

Her response came immediately. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands disappearing in his hair, pulling him closer to her, parting her lips to invite him in.

And he finally gave in, surrendering completely to her, her warmth, her mouth, her love. One of his arms found its way around her waist, pulling her close, the other came up to support the back of her neck while he showed her all his love, all his yearning.

When they broke the kiss her face was radiant, practically glowing with joy. He gazed at her face lovingly, marvelling at the fact that he had managed to bring about so much happiness in her.

Her fingers were busy tracing his face and her expression was almost dreamy. ´I love you,´ she told him happily.

´I know,´ he answered, and his voice betrayed so much amazement that she understood exactly how he meant it. She took his face in her hands and kissed his lips lightly, adding breathlessly: ´So very much.´

They stayed like that for a long time, wrapped in each other's arms, holding and kissing, sharing soft touches and words of love. Given the choice, he could be there until the end of time, lost in her. But his conscience eventually found him. Pulling away slightly so he could see her face he only said her name, but his voice was filled with a deep regret: ´Anna…´

The tone of his voice caused her smile to fall, but the light never left her eyes. ´We need to talk some more, don´t we?´ she asked resignedly.

´I love you, Anna,´ his voice was hoarse with passion. ´I love you more than words can express… and the heavens know how much I want you… but I am still a married man.´

`I know…´ she whispered sadly. `I know you are.´

The sun had set and the kitchen garden was now enfolded in shadows, making the past half hour seem like a dream. They remained silent for a while, still holding each other close, both making their way back to the grim face of reality. Eventually Anna looked up in his eyes again and asked: ´What are you thinking about?´

He swallowed deeply, but the words he spoke were the honest truth. ´I don´t want an affair, Anna. I don´t want to sneak around, only to have some brief, stolen moments together with you… and I will not,´ here his voice became more forceful, more determined, ´I will not compromise you. I will not risk your job or your reputation...´

She frowned a little at that. ´I suppose I should think it´s very noble of you to protect my virtue like that, but do I get a say in any of this?´

He released his hold on her and took her hands in his instead, thus putting more distance between them. ´I wasn´t finished yet… and I don´t want to make decisions for you, but I do want to let you know where I stand. I´m not holding back for your sake only… but as much for myself. I do not want to compromise my own morals, as selfish as that may sound.´

Anna stared long and hard in his eyes, slowly taking in what he said. His gaze, that had been guarded for so long, was now open and she felt she could read him completely for the first time. She could see his determination, his longing, his love and suddenly she understood. This man didn´t love by half. An affair- as he put it, would tear him apart. He would feel guilty about every kiss, every touch and it would eat at him, causing him to withdrawn in himself and shutting her out, until they would both be miserable.

Laying her hand against his cheek she told him: ´I know you are a very honourable man, John Bates. It would be equally selfish of me to ask you to be anything less than you are.´

He gave a wry smile, ´So- one of us must be allowed to be selfish then?´

In reply she gave him a brilliant smile of her own. ´Then let it be you… and let´s not compromise any of us.´

His throat tightened at her words. He knew himself well. He knew he tended to be a bit of a martyr. Always quick, perhaps too quick, to take the punch and suffer in silence. But here she was, the woman he loved beyond reason and who probably understood him better than anyone else, willing to do this for him. ´Are you sure this is what you want?´ he asked.

She sighed wistfully at that. ´What I want is to be with you, to be able to tell the world that I love you. But now is not the time for that. So I want to wait for you… with you until the time is right.´

´Anna…´ A sense of desperation gripped him. ´Anna, why would you? Why would you let me hold you back? Why don´t you walk away and find a man who can give you what you want?´

Even in the half-darkness he could see her face grow pale. Her eyes became dark with so deep an anger as he had never seen before. ´Don´t you never, ever tell me again that I shouldn´t love you,´ she told him in a low voice. ´If by now you still haven´t grasped the fact that I love you, then I don´t know what else I can do or say to make you understand that I do. I love you, John. It´s for you to take or leave… but if you can´t accept it, then you walk away. But let me choose for myself to whom I give my heart.´

She was his equal. And he knew then, simply knew from the bottom of his heart that they could make it work together. No matter how many trials and troubles they´d find on their way, they would face them together, knowing he could rely on her as much as she could rely on him.

He took her in his arms once again, relief flooding through him when she melted into him. ´Forgive me,´ he breathed, nuzzling her forehead. ´I love you, and I don´t think I can bear living without your love.´

Her anger evaporated as quickly as it had appeared, her arms coming up around him as well. ´Don´t you ever forget how much I love you.´

Their foreheads touching she continued. ´I know it´s not ideal – far from it. But for now, it´s enough for me to know that you love me and that you know that I love you. In that sense we can be together.´

´In that sense we are together,´ he told her, grasping her hand and placing it on his chest, over his heart. ´My heart belongs to you and we´ll find a way to be together… in every sense.´

He leaned in and their lips met, brief but soft and full of promise.

When they walked back inside a careless observer would not have noticed any difference. There was no touching, no holding hands, nothing that would indicate that he now carried her heart as she did his. But something had changed. Most definite and most profoundly so.

* * *

><p><em>AN: And there the story was supposed to end… only it didn´t. Because once I finished it I started thinking about what could have happen after this. How many more secrets does John Bates still keep? How would the rest of Downton make it through the war and of course: how would the Vera-complication play out? So there will be a sequel to this story called ´__Honour bound__.´ At the moment it´s still a WIP and I´ve gotten the first chapters back from my lovely beta __**Stuckinpast**__. It still needs a bit of tweaking, but I´ll probably post the first chapter over the weekend. The story will be general/romance and is basically my - very AU - take on season 2. Lots of pairings: Robert/Cora, Carson/Hughes, Edith/Sir Anthon, of course massive Anna/Bates and a few surprised down the road… so basically me shipping everyone in sight. I´ll hope to see you there!_

_As always, reviews are very much appreciated – I very much like to hear what you think. And thanks for reading this one! _


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